Video is in Chapter 14 Post

16. Playing Better

“Mr. Mathis says you’ve been playing better,” Lassa said.

Freya had a moment of disbelief, as if Lassa had just said the earth was about to crash into the sun. They were actually driving to Grayson, there was very little danger of crashing into anything. Lassa was one of those drivers who almost never took her eyes off the road.

“No way,” Freya said.

Ezekiel “Miracle” Mathis had played Spanish and Blues guitar for longer than Lassa had been alive. In the whole time Freya had been taking lessons two things had never happened, he had never given her any compliment on her playing except “that’s right”, and he had never smiled. She remembered asking Randall why once, expecting some terrible tragedy had befallen him. But Randall had laughed, and he told her that Mr. Mathis had staked a month of lessons against five hundred dollars in a game of nine ball, and Randall had sunk the nine on break. He said Old Miracle had never been able to get the sour taste out of his mouth.

Mr. Mathis long since made his five hundred back. Freya had been taking lessons with him for six years. For everything he lacked in charisma he was an incredible musician and teacher. He regarded clean fundamentals with the same life-and-death importance as a heart surgeon regarded clean instruments. He hadn’t softened a bit, the first lesson she’d taken after Randall’s death he had told her if she wasn’t going to bother practicing, he wasn’t going to bother coming.

Playing better. It wasn’t much of a compliment, but it was definitely true. She had been practicing more seriously, even though she was busy two nights a week now with therapy and Krav Maga. Dr. Garbuglio had been mostly right about the class, breaking down hadn’t made her an outsider, it had drawn her in. Vitko had offered to let her step out during any knife drills but she had said she wanted to just tough it out, and she didn’t cry the next time. She worked very hard in all the drills, trying to prove herself. When the boys groaned at the prospect of running laps, she kept quiet. She couldn’t afford to complain like they could. When she was really giving it her all, sometimes Vitko would give her a slight raise of his chin, letting her know he hadn’t missed it. It wasn’t much but it mattered.

She was back at Grayson now and the other Renanin students said hi to her in the halls, even the upperclassmen. But that was as far as it went, they only acknowledged her existence. She was still eating lunch alone in the corner of the cafeteria with her back to the wall, as alert as a gazelle at a watering hole.

Freya had the feeling that anyone tried to jump her again, she might have backup. Still, she found herself tense whenever she was alone. Again and again she thought she saw Tammy in a crowd of faces but it was always someone else. Tammy was still in In-School Suspension. Unknown groups of people approaching her made her nervous.

Freya kept having flinchy thoughts that a fist was about to strike her out of nowhere and knock out her teeth. She had a dumb desire to wear the mouthguard while she was walking around, but it would make her look like a freak if anyone noticed. Dr. Garbuglio had smiled when she admitted that to him. He assured her that was all pretty normal after being attacked. He said talking would help a little, but mostly, it would just fade with time. Freya knew better. Things didn’t fade, they sunk into you and they stayed there.

She stared out the window as the hills rolled away, the words hung in her head. Playing better. That was all she was really doing, playing the role of someone who was better so they would leave her alone. She’d been to therapy three times now and it wasn’t helping. Nothing was really going to change. Graduation was almost three years away, there was no way she could make it. As long as she wasn’t brave enough to leave or end it, she would remain a prisoner here. Caught in this busy cage of going through the motions. She slipped her hand into her pocket and touched the Starball, drawing a deep breath and letting it out through her nose.

Today, the microscope. She told herself. She said that every morning for almost two weeks, but it always seemed to slip her mind, or seem like too much effort. But it was more than that, she knew when she got a closer look it was going to turn out to just be an ordinary rock. Probably just a strange olivine formation, unusual but totally natural. She wanted it to be something special.

They pulled up to Grayson and Lassa told her to have a good day, and she said the same back, even though neither of them would.

Playing better.