73.

The Fragile Phoenix

By Dr. Vincente Garbuglio

Chapter 11

Every relationship you are in changes you.

Every relationship you are in changes you. A connection has been made, and even if the only difference is that you’re aware one more person exists, you are not the same. You may talk differently around some friends, eat differently around others. In front of your parents you may be someone else entirely. And as you’ll remember from previous chapters, there’s no role you can play without partially becoming it. You’re not just acting different, you are different.

Nearly every important person in your life is actively trying to change you. Your parents are constantly trying to mold you into their vision of a good person, which is often very different from your idea of one! Your bosses want you to be a better worker, often at the expense of your well-being. Your friends want you to be a better companion to them, your neighbors want you to be invisible. Everyone wants something from you. Everyone has an expectation.

The clamor of so many voices calling for you to change may fill you with anxiety, or fear, or defiance. It’s totally natural to desire to be your own person, and also totally impossible! We are not a precocial species, you were not a foal who could run the day she was born. Since you were a tiny baby you needed to be changed, both literally and figuratively. You wouldn’t even be reading this book if some wise soul hadn’t seen fit to change your natural state of illiteracy.

Most likely the people responsible for the bulk of this were your parents. They controlled what you ate, when you went to sleep, where you went to the bathroom. They chose what environment you would be in, what clothes you would wear, which people would be around you. They gave you a name. The control they exercised over you was profound but it was also essential. People who lack these crucial skills are in grave danger of being institutionalized or worse.

Around the time you’re starting to strike out on your own and establish your own identity, you will come under pressure from a new direction, romantic partners. It doesn’t seem that way at first, they think you’re incredible, perfect just the way you are. There’s just one tiny little thing, nothing at all really but…

The shine wears off! Before you know it you and your partner are embroiled in a constant battle of compromise, each trying to mold the other into someone they can stand to be around day after day.

Real, lasting change comes after you have learned your partner is very much a human being, full of sharp edges and missing pieces. The closer you want to get to them, the more each of you will need to compromise, the more you will change.

Inevitably the two of you will grind each other down, you will fill each other in, sparks will fly and metal will scream. With a tremendous amount of effort over many years, two committed people can become become like a set of gears turning together in a machine that is greater than the sum of its parts.

I like this analogy for a few reasons. One, people can understand that both the gears need to be turning for the machine to keep going, just as you will both need to keep working for the relationship to continue. Like a machine, your relationship needs regular maintenance. And finally just like a set of gears, there is always friction.

Our culture presents this kind of relationship as an ideal, and I would strongly advise that it isn’t for everyone. Not everyone can be happy as a cog! There are many people who will never fit together, no matter how hard they try to force it. There are many ways to be happy outside of a traditional relationship, and we’ll cover them in the next chapter.

Human beings are the greatest meddlers the world has ever seen. We constantly seek to change our environment, each other, and ourselves. Every single person you meet has expectations for you, desires you will never fully meet, and as a consequence they will attempt to change you. It’s totally ok, because you are doing the same thing to them.

Confession time: the whole time you’ve been reading The Fragile Phoenix, I have been trying to change you! Hopefully for the better. Every chapter is designed to help you become more aware of your relationships and to make more informed choices about them.

I want to leave you with this thought:

As hard as all these people may try to change you, none of them can do it without your help. At the end of the day, it’s your choice. You decide how you want to change. You alone define who you are. You have the power!