First part of video is in previous post

38.

“I still expect her. Isn’t that weird? I was sitting in the park the other day after a run. People were walking past and I caught myself searching their faces, with this tiny hope that one would be her. I know she’s gone, I know I’ll never see her again. But that little hope just never goes away.”

Freya and Dan had driven around for an hour talking before they wound up sitting on the bench in Thoreau Bridge Park. The same one where Malcolm had ambushed her, on the day she’d decided to keep the Starball a secret forever. The tupelo tree that had been half bald was bare now, and the black river was flowing quietly as they talked.

Dan’s car was immaculate inside, there were no fast food wrappers in the foot well, no debris in the cupholders. It was just an old white Toyota sedan but Dan clearly took good care of it. She’d never been in a student’s car before where she hadn’t had to take a bunch of junk out of the passenger seat just to sit down. There was a faint smell of Armor-All, it reminded her of Randall’s truck.

The drive was awkward at first with long patches of silence. Dan didn’t turn on the radio. Every other time she’d been in a boy’s car they always cranked up the stereo, but Dan just wanted to talk. He’d wanted to know how long she’d been seeing Dr. Garbuglio, why she’d started, if she was taking anything, all kinds of questions. Not in a nosy way, it was more that he hadn’t talked to anyone else who’d been through therapy and wanted to compare experiences.

He spent a long time thinking about each of her responses, his brow furrowed as he scanned the glistening wedge of road illuminated by his headlights. Like Lassa, Dan never took his eyes off the road as he drove. It was strange to see him concentrating on a task, he didn’t smile, and he almost seemed like someone else. Finally she’d asked if they could stop somewhere. She hadn’t meant the river but nothing in town was open. Now the roles had shifted, and Dan was pouring his heart out to her on the riverside bench.

“Was she older or younger than you?” Freya asked.

“She was my identical twin.”

“Oh wow. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Yeah, it’s ok. Different-sex monozygotic twins are really rare, and the female usually has Turner Syndrome.”

“What is that?”

“It’s a genetic defect where parts of the X chromosome are missing. She died from a heart defect associated with it. Her name was Angie.”

“How long has it been?” Freya asked.

“Five years in December.”

“Oh god,” she breathed.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore. Or, maybe that’s not quite right. It aches but it’s not immediate, not crippling like it used to be. There’s always the feeling she’s gone, like I’m missing one of my fingers.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of, that it will never get better.”

“It does. I used to feel like I was missing an arm. Right after she died, I couldn’t even recognize myself. For a long time, it was like I was watching someone else do everything. I felt like I was haunting myself.”

Freya nodded, her bottom lip tight. She didn’t tell him she was sorry or offer him platitudes. She knew the distance could not be bridged.

“All of this is just between us right?” Dan asked, with a careful look.

“Yes, absolutely,” Freya said.

“About three months after Angie died, I started swimming in the gulf every day. I would push myself until I was totally exhausted, trying to escape. I kept swimming farther out. I would get as far from the shore as I dared and then think ‘maybe today’s the day I don’t make it back.’ Then I would feel at peace, caught in that maybe. It was almost like a game. I didn’t quite realize at the time that I was trying to kill myself. I kept pushing it and finally I got caught in this big storm that swept in out of nowhere. I was way too far out, I couldn’t see the shore, and the waves got crazy. I was one hundred percent sure I was going to die. And I knew right away that I wanted to live. Hey are you ok?”

Dan became a blur. Freya’s eyes had teared up without warning again, just like the knife drill. She let out a deep, shuddering breath and rubbed her eyes.

“It’ll pass,” Freya said, willing it to be true. It became too quiet, the gentle sound of the river was becoming unbearable. She slipped her hand into her pocket and clutched the Starball.

“I’m sorry. Can you go on please?.”

“Sure. We can stop any time you need, ok?”

“Ok.”

“So, the storm. All I could do was tread water, and hope I didn’t get swept out to sea. I was lucky, it blew over pretty quickly. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. When I made it back to land I was so exhausted I literally crawled up the beach to get to the dunes. I had drifted a long way from where I’d stashed my shoes and my keys, and couldn’t find them until it was almost dark. I can remember stumbling home in wet sneakers, feeling just ecstatic, soo happy I was alive. I haven’t been swimming since.”

There was a distant look in Dan’s eyes as he finished the story,, like they were a hundred miles apart. Freya reached out and put her hand over his. Dan was surprised, but he didn’t pull away. Freya was searching his face, there was something a little too rehearsed about the story. She realized he was holding something back.

“Was that the only time?” Freya asked.

Dan winced at the question.

“No. How did you know?”

Freya shrugged. Dan stared back at her, searching her the same way he’d searched her. She could see the moment where he figured it out, his eyebrows leaping in comprehension.

“Oh.”

Freya took her hand off his and put it back in her lap. The light she’d tried to shine on him had revealed her as well.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan offered.

Freya shook her head from side to side. She was very close to getting up and running away. Dan seemed to sense it, he turned towards the river and spoke a little softer.

“I didn’t want to talk about it either. The second time was after we moved here. That’s why they had me start seeing Dr. Garbuglio. He’s better. Better than he seems I mean. I remember thinking he was just a clown, but he really did help a lot.”

“How did you do it the second time?” Freya asked, and then wondered if she should have, if she sounded too interested. Dan grimaced.

“I don’t like to talk about it—oh fuck it.” Dan took a deep breath and clenched his hands into fists.

“I stole my mom’s valium and drank everything in the liquor cabinet. When she found me my lips were completely blue. I had to get my stomach pumped, there was an ambulance. We really couldn’t afford it. My mom blamed herself and I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. I still do. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.” His voice was raw, and his eyes were rimmed with tears. For a second she was stunned by just how hurt he sounded.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” He drew a sharp breath through his nose and clenched his teeth, trying to hold back sobbing. Now she knew why he was always clowning around and why he never seemed serious. This was the real Dan. She didn’t know what to say, and there was a long stretch before he composed himself.

“I didn’t mean to put that on you. If you want to just go home, it’s ok,” Dan said. He looked completely miserable. She couldn’t say anything, for a while all they could hear was the wind and the river. Finally Freya made up her mind.

“I tried to drown myself too. In this river, upstream at the rapids. It was just like you said, as soon as I was in I wanted to live more than anything. I managed to swim to the shore. But that feeling didn’t last. Was it like that for you?”

“Yes. The shine wore off. Shit I’m sorry, we didn’t have to come here. How long ago was that?”

“A while,” Freya lied.

“Are you ok now?”

“I feel… I don’t know. Today was a good day. Even after all the bullshit with Malcom, I’m glad I came.”

“Yeah, I’m really glad you came out. You know, people do like you. I know what it’s like to be down in it. After the second time I was so miserable to be around, I just kept shoving everyone away, trying to escape.”

“That’s been my whole year. How did you get out of it?”

“I didn’t! It was all Cameron. He just kept showing up at my house. Every single day, he wouldn’t leave. For weeks and weeks, even if I wouldn’t talk to him, he would just hang out in the room with me. He missed so much practice they kicked him off wrestling. I actually hated him for a while, can you believe that? He found out what happened from my mom, and just decided he wouldn’t let go. Never let me shove him away, never told another person. He’s the reason I’m still here.”

“That’s incredible,” Freya said. She wondered if Betty would do that for her, she suspected the answer was no.

“I never would have suspected about Cam. I guess it makes sense. His mom is so nice. She sent us this really thoughtful card after Randall died. Then she tried really hard to to be friends with my mom, but of course Lassa wasn’t having it.”

“Have you always called your parents by their first names?”

“Yeah, for as long as I can remember. I’m sure it was Lassa’s idea,” Freya said, and she wished she hadn’t brought it up. She didn’t want to think about Lassa.

The conversation trailed off and they both looked away. She was caught in a swell of thoughts and it seemed like he was too. For a while she was just adrift, but then Dan’s fingers closed on hers. It felt so different than when she’d been the one initiating, his intent was electric.

“If you get to that place again, you can call me. Maybe I can help,” he offered.

“Ok. The same for you.”

Her cheeks got hot, they held eye contact for a moment too long and she looked away when it got weird. Someone else might have tried to kiss her there, but she was glad Dan hadn’t.

They sat by the river until they both started to shiver and then they walked back to his car. The grocery bag full of books had tipped over, The Void Captain’s Tale was sitting on the back seat and Dan asked her what it was about. She wound up showing him the whole stack of library books, after what they’d shared she was far past being embarrassed. To her surprise, Dan was really into it, he told her he was about halfway through The Moon is a Harsh Mistress.

Freya lit up, she had many thoughts about Heinlein. The conversation on the way home was animated, as they pulled into her driveway she was telling him all about Dying Inside. Dan seemed into it, he said he would check it out after Mistress.

The house was dark and Lassa’s BMW wasn’t in the driveway. Freya had been talking with Dan for hours and she didn’t want to stop. She thought about suggesting he come in, wondering how he might react to the invitation, what it might lead to.

But then he yawned deeply in the middle of a sentence and then apologized. She realized he’d probably been up since early that morning to work his shift at the diner. Freya thought she should probably let him go.

She grabbed her grocery bag full of library books. Her copy of The Fragile Phoenix was in the trunk and Dan got out of the car to open it for her. After he handed it to her, she set everything down in the driveway and then suddenly embraced him in a tight hug. Dan seemed surprised, but he hugged her back. They stood together in the red glow of the taillights for a long moment. He was warm against the chill of night.

“Thank you,” Freya said.

“Anytime,” Dan grinned.

“Text me and let me know you made it home safe, ok?” she asked.

“I will. Good night Freya.”

She could barely stay awake long enough to get his text. She tried to read but her eyes kept sliding off the page until her phone hummed.

Home safe, thanks again! Good night Freya!

She typed Good night Dan in reply and for five minutes she tried to make up her mind if she wanted to add something else. Finally she just pressed send. She plugged her phone in to charge on her nightstand, set the Starball in a hairband beside it and turned off the light. She shut her eyes, then after a few moments she reached out for her phone to look at the message again.

Good night Freya.